I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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