Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
