We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
