I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
