My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
