I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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