if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
