Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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