He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
