FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
