We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
