Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
