ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
