I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Randomize
