You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
