how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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