Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
