Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
