she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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