Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
