he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
