my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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