I hate all girls vehemently.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
