It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
