Just took my morning after pill in the library
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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