i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
