Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
