hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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