so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
