she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
