According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
