i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
