the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
