There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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