I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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