yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
