ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
