had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
