went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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