After last night, I could never be a politician.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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