So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
