If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
