I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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