Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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