I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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