Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
