I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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