Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
