Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
