Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
