Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
