How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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