remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
