I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
FUCK WHALES
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
