another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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