i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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